stream of unconsciousness

Lately I’ve been feeling sluggish, dragging my 120-lb body, slinking to work, slinking home, plodding along like tired and cynical eeyore. One of the nights this past week I had a nightmare where I had to confront a serial killer and I was very futilely inserting knives all over his body. Was I stabbing? It didn’t feel like it, it just felt like I was trying to pin him down to some surface with long sharp knives and then he did the obligatory “aah I am keeled!” posture where he lies down and plays dead for five minutes, but since I’m Miss movieathon, and I’ve watched too many scary movies to be fooled, I looked at him rather suspiciously and sure enough, he gets up rather nimblely and runs off across the street and disappears into some other house’s garage, they looked like they were having a frat party there. Me and my surviving friends all locked the house and looked out with scared eyes. I woke up from that dream with every nerve stretched taut and I was just like, oh for crying out loud, how is this a good way to start the day?? And with that, I somehow managed to rouse myself and went to chow down on coffee and eggs.

I am currently reading this book on improving vision naturally. It’s an extensive treatise on how to improve one’s eyesight, based mostly on Bate’s books. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had an ongoing fantasy that I would cure myself of my major physical ailment – my poor myopic astigmatic pair of eyes. It’s actually been semi-actualized one summer when I was in Taiwan. At 14 yrs old, I set about using as much of my own eyes as possible to see everything without my glasses. When I returned to the states and got an exam, my eyes did get better! However, after that time, high school and the stresses of college hit head-on and I think my vision faced a steady decline after. So now that I’m the ripe ol’ age of 28, I think I’m way past the age where vision still changes and fluctuates. So it does disturb me that it’s gotten worse still, (went to eye doctor recently) and honestly, I think it’s just bad posture, overtaxing my eyes with the computer, etc. I have a fair degree of confidence that I can improve my vision or “revert” it back to some baseline vision. The only way to objectively test this out of course is to begin a schedule, say a 3-month stretch where I work on my eyes and then go back to the doctor to get tested.

Ocean's Two Hot Men

Last night I went to watch Ocean’s Thirteen because I had read a nice review of it in the NY Times. While it was clear from the beginning that even the movie maker didn’t take his own work too seriously, and this sort of bonhommie jocular attitude was evident amongst the actors too, for me, it soon came to a point where I am rolling my eyes at the unrealistic unfolding of events much as George Clooney himself, did at one point in the film.

So it’s an interesting film because on the one hand, it seemed to be a satire of all those star-studded big blockbuster films and at the same time, it is undeniably one too, unable to shed its grandiosity – it wears it like a giant monster suit.

Danny Ocean and his gang are back this time to right a wrong done to one of their own, a loopy naïve old gamer named Reuben who was screwed over by a shrewd but finicky businessman Willy Banks. So distressed by the turn of events Reuben’s heart decided to turn on him as well and caused him to retire to his deathbed. As the comrades gathered around their fallen friend, they swore vengeance on his behalf. And of course, the object of their vengeful fury is none other than a very orangely tanned Willy Banks.

The problem is, Willy Banks was not an altogether dislikeable character. He shows his pathetic and almost endearing side when it became clear how important the Royal Five Diamond ratings are to him. The way he bragged about his past awards make him seem less like a 60 year old and more like a first grader. So the gang of thirteen swoops down on his newly opened hotel (which by the way, was spectacular and stunning) and wreaks appropriate havoc on Willy Banks’ bank.

And it was all…too easy. The lack of dramatic tension is the most notable element in this film. At no point was the audience in serious concern over the lives and welfare of any of the characters. The film went down as smooth as a creamy cheesecake and required little stress or emotional involvement on the part of the audience. The film was good eyecandy however, with two studly males strolling casually down the Vegas strip, gabbing about relationships and women problems. At one point, the two of them teared up while watching an Oprah show. There are moments of self-conscious satire and really really light humor.

I walked away feeling yeah, Brad Pitt still got it, so does Clooney. But beyond the fact that I just spend 2 hours oogling two hot guys over 40, I had little else to take away from the film.

Patience

People often think I am a patient person, but they generally make the mistake of confusing patience with indifference. I will admit with complete honesty that I am indifferent to many things. What some people hold so near and dear to their hearts, I am either oblivious or nonchalant about. Example? My two coworkers who care so deeply and passionately about how well their kids do in school. I nod politely when listening, and meanwhile I’m drifting 300 miles away in my imaginary Cancun. So point number 1, I am an indifferent person. But why does that follow that I am an impatient person?

I notice that I am impatient because of my general greed for faster results in a short amount of time. I want whiter teeth – instantly. I want a more toned body – tomorrow. I want to be skilled at tennis – no more than 2 weeks from now! Everything is, I want it soon and I want it at minimal effort. Of course the logical side to me realizes the impracticality of such desires. And sometimes my greed gets the best of me and I am crushed with disappointment at how slow the progress is. So point #2, I am impatient.

Point #3, perhaps my indifference is linked to impatience. If I care more about getting those results, I would proceed with greater care and patience. I would laboriously apply myself to the tasks at hand and have the patience to see things through. Since life is never black and white, an example of what I did care about: going to medical school and then the patience I had to muster up to endure the long waiting game – well, I did get through it somehow and no nervous breakdowns to boot. =)

But anyway, ultimately, the point I really want to make is, in my own best interest and in the interests of those I will serve in the future, I should switch the two characterisitcs around. I’ve gotten my share of half teases/half complaints. Oh Emily, you’re a reptile, you cold-blooded thing. You have no emotion. You’re botox girl. You hide all your feelings. You don’t care about anything. You’re a whatever girl. Blah blah blah ad nauseum. Haha, true to my nature, I didn’t care all that much about all these little insinuations and snide remarks either. But if only…if only I can learn to temper my personality more. I would choose to slide myself down the gradient from being less caring to being more caring, and then from being less patient to being more patient. Now essentially I am preaching my own favorite gospel again – how to become a better person. If only I have the patience to see it through!

Emily Antoinette

Confession I am an impulsive shopper. I say “impulsive, not compulsive.” I don’t have the urge to go buy something nice for myself every week. However, after extensive self-analyses, I do realize that I tend to be impulsive when I do get in the mood to shop. The times when I am most vulnerable to impulsive shopping are when I’m in a bad mood. I remember distinctly how I was under this black cloud one day several years ago and I went to Macy’s and promptly purchased an ankle-length denim jacket – totally impractical and totally Matrix-like. As I was strutting out on 34th St and 7th Avenue in my hot new jacket, my mood skyrocketed to 100. Such is the power of purchasing something at the right moment to temper the blues.

Yet another example of how I am just one of many among the malleable herds, I too am very easily swayed by visuals and suggestions and media. As mentioned in previous post, I am currently watching this korean drama. One side effect of watching such dramas is that you always get into a more superficial state of mind as you ponder such important matters as the type of hair you’d like, the type of shirt, the next cute outfit you’d like to put on. The underlying message of all these dramas is, “you can have a million different things going on in your life, your life could be an absolute disaster, your relationships are failing left and right, but HEY, you can look cute through it all.” Indeed, more and more I think I’m falling prey to that mentality. No matter what, I better look good while life is happening.

Actually something that I’ve always fantasized about is to give my closet an overhaul. I would like to give away all unused clothing and decide on a “look” for myself. I don’t know what look I should settle for. Should it be the sex kitten look? Nah…too obvious and over the top. Should it be the over-accessorized Japanese look? Too cutesy and cheesy. The classy Ann Taylor or Talbots look? Yawner. The Forever 21 pop teen chick look? I’m 10 years too old for it now. =( This is why I’ve always kept my style more fluid and eclectic, because my look tends to match my fluctuating moods. I think I tend to wear comfortable casual clothing, but I think I need to go it up a notch. Comfort and casual is sometimes a thin line away from sloppy. Oh well, perhaps I will never decide on the “look” that I should have, but I don’t want to be one of those people who wears a black turtleneck for the rest of their lives as a fashion statement. It would be too monotonous for my ADD tendency.

The other side to my fantasy of overhauling my closet is to pare it down to the absolute essentials. I’m not sure why it is that I need 20 pairs of shoes, 30 pairs of pants, 40 skirts, a bazillion gazillion tops to function and operate. I say I am not materialistic, but here I have a walk-in closet that I find too small!! Sometimes my own excesses surprise me when I bother to think and reflect on it.

To be a Na Ra

Recently I started watching this Korean drama with the somewhat awkward title of “Exhibition of fireworks.” Except for the one scene where the main characters watch a display of fireworks, the relevance of the title is at best, tenuous to the story and themes in this drama.

One thing I find interesting in the drama is the expression “Aigoo!” I think the closest counterpart in Chinese would be “Aiyaa” it’s a verbal expression of dismay, surprise, resignation, annoyance – well basically, it can be used quite liberally at the beginning of each sentence. I watch the version with English subtitles. Everything would be translated just fine into English except for this expression. So the subtitles will literally say, “Aigoo! How could do this to my daughter? Aigoo!” It tickled me to read the translations and the word appeals to me in the same way “droogie” from Clockwork Orange appeals to me.

So what have I learned from this drama? The main character is 30 year old Shin Na Ra, a woman who was dumped by her boyfriend of 7 years and then promptly falls in love with a younger guy who, unfortunately for her, believes himself to be in love with another woman. That woman, coincidentally, was the same woman that her 7 year boyfriend left Na Ra for. Now you see how the plot gets interesting.

Although not much happens in this drama besides the usual petty jealousies and misunderstandings and fits of possessiveness, what I like most is the character of Shin Na Ra. She ultimately realizes that she can’t place her hopes in men. They will disappoint, as they have demonstrated repeatedly. Instead, she has pulled herself together admirably after being successfully “dumped” by two guys, each time for the same woman no less. She throws herself into her work and she is determined to do her best at something other than relationships and matters of the heart. I applaud this determination and willingness to strive for independence and achievement.

The Korean culture is very interesting. In the home, you can see how the man tries to dominate the woman. Many times, their tyrannical father has thrown Shin Na Ra, her mother and sister out of the house. That is something I can never imagine happening in my own house. Yet on the other hand, the show also portrays a successful business woman who obviously holds tremendous power and influence over all the characters in the drama. I suppose this is a reflection of the times. Even as traditional Korean culture favors male dominance, modern influences, rising numbers of capable and financially successful females are nonetheless changing the fabric of society. In this respect, the Chinese are somewhat more advanced than the Koreans because there is less of the alpha male mentality in Chinese households and I’d like to think that we are moving towards a more egalitarian mindset regarding the gender roles. However, I do concede that among Chinese familes, there is still this strong preference for male heirs.