Baby is approaching his 3rd week come tomorrow. So far, my emotions regarding being a new mother seems to swing towards the low end. I suspect it has a lot to do with the fact that my mother is virtually keeping me prisoner in my own apartment, citing all sorts of dire health consequences lest I dare venture out during my first month post-partum. That said, the larger issue of course, is that now we have this little human being in our hands, in our lives, in our complete responsibility. It is overwhelming at times to think about, even though I had tried to "mentally prepare" myself for this in the previous months.
Prior to July 23rd, my mind fixated constantly on that date. As if, once that day arrives, I will deliver this beautiful baby and then a little heart will appear that encapsulates me, my baby and my husband, and the caption would read, "And they lived happily ever after. The end!"
Of course what really happened was, July 20th, his birthday, became the portal through which Jason, me and baby were transported into a completely new reality, an alternate universe. We wake up as parents, an altogether unfamiliar and strange new role for us.
The first few days were truly honeymoon days, we were in the hospital, we had all this support, food was delivered, and baby was quiet and sleeping most of the time. We gazed and gazed at his little face, smitten, awed, disbelieving and so so thrilled. Ah but reality sets in soon enough.
The baby is beautiful, don't get me wrong. But of course, I would think that, right? He is adorable, he is precious, he is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Yet he has quite a formidable temper packaged into his 6 lb 9 oz body. When he doesn't get his needs met satisfactorily, he isn't shy about thundering his immense displeasure. And of course, there's the fact that now we have to worry about everything, since it's all so new to us. Is his poop normal? Why does he have little acne? Why does he grunt like a pig? My mother too, a veteran in her role of the worrying parent, does little to ease my worries.
It's not so much the everyday worries too. I lay in bed at night sometimes gripped in icy fear of "what ifs." None of the scenarios running in my head are technically impossible, it is their very probability that haunts me and keeps me up. What if I were to drop him one day? What if I went mad one day? What if he choked and I forget how to do CPR? (note to self, I should refresh myself on that) Sigh, all negative thoughts, I agree and surely does little to help me in any way be a better parent, but oh! if I could only help myself.
In short, perhaps having a child will ultimately reap many rewards and it may be too early at this point. But right now, as we head into our third week as parents, I can only say, the trials of parenthood outweigh the joys.
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Today is a brighter day
I'm recovering from the surprise news I received yesterday. I admit that I was so sure that I was having a girl that I really didn't allot much of my brain cells to contemplating parenting a boy. To be sure, I'm over-simplifying parenting a daughter as well, imagining days of brushing hair, holding her hand and taking her shopping, delighting in pretty clothes and colorful trifles. Is it that simple? Of course not. I'm sure being the parent of a girl will also be challenging in ways that I've yet to imagine.
But I suppose part of my reluctance of even contemplating being mother to a boy stems from my fundamental ignorance of this entire half of the human race. Boys, men, young and old, continue to befuddle me. I can understand on an abstract level that we are all fundamentally human, more alike than different. Yet there are clear differences in how men and women see the world, see themselves, and how they think. I understand it to be partly a result of cultural indoctrinations, socialization, as well as some biological components. Teasing out what specifically results in the various differences is beyond the scope of this post, but suffice to say, I know it's a complicated amalgam of various factors.
Yet, today, I'm feeling better and more adjusted to the idea of mothering a boy. Little boys are of course adorable, and I know I will fall in love with my son as fervently as I would have with a daughter. And I went on amazon and started researching the market for books to gather more information. It turns out there's a vast supply of literature written on the subject of mothering and raising sons. I'm significantly heartened to see that, because I realize I wasn't alone in my feeling of insecurities about raising a child of the opposite gender. As the good little nerd I've always been, I'm always reassured when I see a stack of books chock full of information, just waiting to be plucked, imbibed and nourish my hitherto narrow universe of a brain.
The somewhat less complicated problem now is deciding which book to read. It's funny, just a few months back I gave nary a thought to actually being a parent. My focus was on the pregnancy and the delivery. I didn't even bother reading anything else. But now that I've hit my 20th week, the ever looming reality is that after D-day, it's just the beginning. Then it's worrying about how to be a good parent to a newborn, then a toddler, then before you know it, you'd have to worry about all sorts of things, as the child become more and more alert, receptive and aware of the world around him. That's when you really have to be careful, faithfully keeping in mind your wishes and desires in how you want to nurture your child and how you want to guide him/her into adulthood. Sigh....it's gonna to a long haul folks.
But wait! I said today is a brighter day! I really ought to have a mechanical slapper that literally smacks me out of my melancholic moods which I have a tendency to spiral into with very low threshold. It's true though. The flip side to all my worrying and insecurities is that I'm getting excited about having a little boy. I was musing to myself John Lennon's song tribute to his son, Sean, "Beautiful boy." It's truly a wondrous song and I picture myself singing that song (horribly off-key) to my precious boy as well, because I believe that song captures brilliantly the emotions a parent feels when looking at his progeny.
Not to mention, I fully intend to be that cool parent who's up for rough and tumble play with my baby boy if he's so inclined, at all times loving and emotionally grounded. I take from my inspiration, Frances, from Death Be Not Proud, she seems to have been a superb mother to her son, Johnny, in his tragically short life of 17 years. I feel that she did it by simply treating her son with respect, love and gentle guidance, and related to him as a friend and confidante, especially in his later years. It is also humbling to know that despite what I feel was an excellent example of good mothering, she nonetheless expressed some regrets in an essay in the book, wondering if she could have done things differently in some respects. We women can be very hard on ourselves and we will always feel like we could do "better."
Thus, I will try to keep that other principle in mind. If I do my best, I may be "good enough."
But I suppose part of my reluctance of even contemplating being mother to a boy stems from my fundamental ignorance of this entire half of the human race. Boys, men, young and old, continue to befuddle me. I can understand on an abstract level that we are all fundamentally human, more alike than different. Yet there are clear differences in how men and women see the world, see themselves, and how they think. I understand it to be partly a result of cultural indoctrinations, socialization, as well as some biological components. Teasing out what specifically results in the various differences is beyond the scope of this post, but suffice to say, I know it's a complicated amalgam of various factors.
Yet, today, I'm feeling better and more adjusted to the idea of mothering a boy. Little boys are of course adorable, and I know I will fall in love with my son as fervently as I would have with a daughter. And I went on amazon and started researching the market for books to gather more information. It turns out there's a vast supply of literature written on the subject of mothering and raising sons. I'm significantly heartened to see that, because I realize I wasn't alone in my feeling of insecurities about raising a child of the opposite gender. As the good little nerd I've always been, I'm always reassured when I see a stack of books chock full of information, just waiting to be plucked, imbibed and nourish my hitherto narrow universe of a brain.
The somewhat less complicated problem now is deciding which book to read. It's funny, just a few months back I gave nary a thought to actually being a parent. My focus was on the pregnancy and the delivery. I didn't even bother reading anything else. But now that I've hit my 20th week, the ever looming reality is that after D-day, it's just the beginning. Then it's worrying about how to be a good parent to a newborn, then a toddler, then before you know it, you'd have to worry about all sorts of things, as the child become more and more alert, receptive and aware of the world around him. That's when you really have to be careful, faithfully keeping in mind your wishes and desires in how you want to nurture your child and how you want to guide him/her into adulthood. Sigh....it's gonna to a long haul folks.
But wait! I said today is a brighter day! I really ought to have a mechanical slapper that literally smacks me out of my melancholic moods which I have a tendency to spiral into with very low threshold. It's true though. The flip side to all my worrying and insecurities is that I'm getting excited about having a little boy. I was musing to myself John Lennon's song tribute to his son, Sean, "Beautiful boy." It's truly a wondrous song and I picture myself singing that song (horribly off-key) to my precious boy as well, because I believe that song captures brilliantly the emotions a parent feels when looking at his progeny.
Not to mention, I fully intend to be that cool parent who's up for rough and tumble play with my baby boy if he's so inclined, at all times loving and emotionally grounded. I take from my inspiration, Frances, from Death Be Not Proud, she seems to have been a superb mother to her son, Johnny, in his tragically short life of 17 years. I feel that she did it by simply treating her son with respect, love and gentle guidance, and related to him as a friend and confidante, especially in his later years. It is also humbling to know that despite what I feel was an excellent example of good mothering, she nonetheless expressed some regrets in an essay in the book, wondering if she could have done things differently in some respects. We women can be very hard on ourselves and we will always feel like we could do "better."
Thus, I will try to keep that other principle in mind. If I do my best, I may be "good enough."
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Boy oh boy!
Today was a big day! I found out that I am expecting a little boy, courtesy of a very insistent pecker on the ultrasound. Oh the happiness! Oh the fear! The blessed mixed emotions that I felt.
I had been so sure, you see, that I was having a girl, that I had gone ahead to pick out a girl name for my baby. It's not that I thought it inconceivable for me to have a boy, but I had not really come across a boy's name that I liked and so, with part wishful thinking, part willfulness, I decided to pre-emptively decide on my baby's gender. So much for that!
Still the bigger questions still remain, and loom ever so large in my mind. Will I be a good mother? How will I guide and raise my child to become a good kid, a good teen, a good man fundamentally? I picture so many scenarios in my head (it's really very taxing on the brain, and basically amounts to idle worrying) of how my child will turn out. But first, let's focus on the good news!
According to the very fastidious U/S tech who looked at my baby today, he has ten fingers, ten toes, nicely formed humerus, tibia, fibula. All his heart valves are intact and performing as it should be. He has his requisite two veins and an artery supplying nutrients and removing waste. My two uterine arteries are also pulsing very gamely and responsibily. He has well formed upper lips (no cleft), he has nice buttocks, knees, shoulders. He doesn't have extra padding at the back of his neck, head is of perfect size, well formed vertebrae (no spina bifida - despite this mom's sporadic use of folic acid, yay!) So far so good, my little one!
I think I shall post more musings as the days go on, mostly for my own amusement, and hopefully for some of yours.
Cheers, my friends.
I had been so sure, you see, that I was having a girl, that I had gone ahead to pick out a girl name for my baby. It's not that I thought it inconceivable for me to have a boy, but I had not really come across a boy's name that I liked and so, with part wishful thinking, part willfulness, I decided to pre-emptively decide on my baby's gender. So much for that!
Still the bigger questions still remain, and loom ever so large in my mind. Will I be a good mother? How will I guide and raise my child to become a good kid, a good teen, a good man fundamentally? I picture so many scenarios in my head (it's really very taxing on the brain, and basically amounts to idle worrying) of how my child will turn out. But first, let's focus on the good news!
According to the very fastidious U/S tech who looked at my baby today, he has ten fingers, ten toes, nicely formed humerus, tibia, fibula. All his heart valves are intact and performing as it should be. He has his requisite two veins and an artery supplying nutrients and removing waste. My two uterine arteries are also pulsing very gamely and responsibily. He has well formed upper lips (no cleft), he has nice buttocks, knees, shoulders. He doesn't have extra padding at the back of his neck, head is of perfect size, well formed vertebrae (no spina bifida - despite this mom's sporadic use of folic acid, yay!) So far so good, my little one!
I think I shall post more musings as the days go on, mostly for my own amusement, and hopefully for some of yours.
Cheers, my friends.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Currently watching....
with great delight and pleasure, a korean drama called "The Woman Who Still Wants to Marry."
This drama features the lives of three women in their mid-30's, their loves, their losses, their neuroses. The lead is a reporter, who ended a long term relationship with a college sweetheart because she was focused on her career ambitions. She eventually falls in love with a much younger man (10 years her junior) and struggles with the insecurities as typical for an older woman, especially in a society that's not particularly kind to women beyond a certain age. The second lady is a renowned and accomplished translator, but absolutely desperate to find a man. She represents one extreme. The third friend is the coolest of the bunch, featuring an asymmetrical haircut, she is a woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less. She is also a loyal friend, underneath a stylish and whip smart demeanor.
The best part of this drama is not the guys, though I have to admit that 21 year old Kim Bum, who plays the young amour (and supposedly 24 in the drama) is so yummy and drool worthy, I wish I could eat him up like cake. The best part of the drama however really is seeing the interaction of the three ladies as they support each other through the ups and downs of life's cruelties and capriciousness.
And what's up with korean dramas and coffee? and eating bbq meat for that matter? And drinking soju at small food stands while complaining and bitching about life? Life seems so very good there! Feeling down? Text someone and inevitably, the next shot would be of the coffee mugs being filled at some trendy and beautifully spaced cafe in downtown Seoul.
Anyway, I digress.
The acting in the drama is commendable, because it's not too ridiculous as to be slapstick, though it does have its moments and laugh out loud scenes. The actor who plays the doctor is somewhat over the top, he seems to be that way in other dramas as well, but he always plays the nice guy who has redeemable and lovable qualities, otherwise, he could be painful to watch with his in your face acting. His counterpart, the translator, is wonderful to watch, and has a great comedic touch. In my humblest of opinion, she is probably even better than the main actress, but they are all pretty good. The dialogue is not bad either, i don't speak a lick of korean, but I'm a voracious reader of subtitles and this drama is really quite well written.
I'm glad I stumbled on this show, because it's keeping this bored slug very well entertained in the midst of a not very fun cold and wintry season.
Stay tuned!
This drama features the lives of three women in their mid-30's, their loves, their losses, their neuroses. The lead is a reporter, who ended a long term relationship with a college sweetheart because she was focused on her career ambitions. She eventually falls in love with a much younger man (10 years her junior) and struggles with the insecurities as typical for an older woman, especially in a society that's not particularly kind to women beyond a certain age. The second lady is a renowned and accomplished translator, but absolutely desperate to find a man. She represents one extreme. The third friend is the coolest of the bunch, featuring an asymmetrical haircut, she is a woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less. She is also a loyal friend, underneath a stylish and whip smart demeanor.
The best part of this drama is not the guys, though I have to admit that 21 year old Kim Bum, who plays the young amour (and supposedly 24 in the drama) is so yummy and drool worthy, I wish I could eat him up like cake. The best part of the drama however really is seeing the interaction of the three ladies as they support each other through the ups and downs of life's cruelties and capriciousness.
And what's up with korean dramas and coffee? and eating bbq meat for that matter? And drinking soju at small food stands while complaining and bitching about life? Life seems so very good there! Feeling down? Text someone and inevitably, the next shot would be of the coffee mugs being filled at some trendy and beautifully spaced cafe in downtown Seoul.
Anyway, I digress.
The acting in the drama is commendable, because it's not too ridiculous as to be slapstick, though it does have its moments and laugh out loud scenes. The actor who plays the doctor is somewhat over the top, he seems to be that way in other dramas as well, but he always plays the nice guy who has redeemable and lovable qualities, otherwise, he could be painful to watch with his in your face acting. His counterpart, the translator, is wonderful to watch, and has a great comedic touch. In my humblest of opinion, she is probably even better than the main actress, but they are all pretty good. The dialogue is not bad either, i don't speak a lick of korean, but I'm a voracious reader of subtitles and this drama is really quite well written.
I'm glad I stumbled on this show, because it's keeping this bored slug very well entertained in the midst of a not very fun cold and wintry season.
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Two good films
I saw "The Kids are Alright" the other day with Jason. The story is about a lesbian couple who raised two kids by in vitro fertilzation with an anonymous donor. Each woman had a child with the same donor. Things get interesting 18 years later when the donor shows up at their door and attempts to become a part of the family. I won't go into too much detail, as while I did enjoy the film, I'm more excited and eager to present the next film I just recently saw.
"The Secret in their eyes" by Argentinean director Juan Jose Campanella is a true masterpiece! The story is set in modern day Argentina through initially, the eyes of a retired court investigator. The film very fluidly however, brings us back 25 years to when the story actually begins, with the brutal murder of a beautiful young woman. Benjamin Esposito, played by Ricardo Darin (why haven't I known about this man before??) is a marvel to watch, he is somehow able to convey great emotional richness while saying precious little. His best friend and hapless alcoholic takes a comedic turn and turns in a fine performance, delivering some of the funniest lines in the film. The female lead is also wonderful to watch. Honestly, I can't gush enough about the acting superlatives so I'll just leave it at that, tremendous acting. Done!
But the story! The story was itself a fourth major player in the ball game. It's a crime novella, a mystery, an unwinding tale that leads us deeper and deeper, with fresh surprises at multiple turns. Even when you think the mystery is solved, you soon realize that the journey is only half way there, there was still more deliciousness awaiting!
Okay now I'm starting to babble like an Argentinean, all exclamation points and excited passion. The story as I was saying started off as a remininscing of sorts, as a man gnaws and chews on a case that's tormented him for 25+ years. A teacher and newly married, was raped and murdered, and at first, the murder was pinned on some hapless innocents. Based on some paltry evidence, the investigators nonetheless find the true perpetrator very quickly. (Here, it requires a bit of the stretch on your imagination, but play along, you will be richly rewarded) The story evolves beyond just the identity of the culprit, it also centered on the unfulfilled and unspoken passion between the two main characters, the husband of the young wife and how he dealt with the tragedy, and also Esposito's good friend. So what I liked so much about the story is how all these elements interplay and are richly woven together.
I can't say enough good things about the cinematography of the film too, it's shot in lush, richly hued tones which colors the film (literally) in a dramatic fashion, in line with the backdrop of the story development. I also enjoy the multiple ways in which the camera approaches its subjects, very creative and often unsettling ways, but it brings an arresting visual element to the film.
Anyway, I learned afterwards that the film won the Academy Award for best International Film of 2010. I'm not surprised, it deserved this accolade in spades. In 2010 I've had the pleasure of seeing many good films, but this one definitely will stay with me for some time to come.
"The Secret in their eyes" by Argentinean director Juan Jose Campanella is a true masterpiece! The story is set in modern day Argentina through initially, the eyes of a retired court investigator. The film very fluidly however, brings us back 25 years to when the story actually begins, with the brutal murder of a beautiful young woman. Benjamin Esposito, played by Ricardo Darin (why haven't I known about this man before??) is a marvel to watch, he is somehow able to convey great emotional richness while saying precious little. His best friend and hapless alcoholic takes a comedic turn and turns in a fine performance, delivering some of the funniest lines in the film. The female lead is also wonderful to watch. Honestly, I can't gush enough about the acting superlatives so I'll just leave it at that, tremendous acting. Done!
But the story! The story was itself a fourth major player in the ball game. It's a crime novella, a mystery, an unwinding tale that leads us deeper and deeper, with fresh surprises at multiple turns. Even when you think the mystery is solved, you soon realize that the journey is only half way there, there was still more deliciousness awaiting!
Okay now I'm starting to babble like an Argentinean, all exclamation points and excited passion. The story as I was saying started off as a remininscing of sorts, as a man gnaws and chews on a case that's tormented him for 25+ years. A teacher and newly married, was raped and murdered, and at first, the murder was pinned on some hapless innocents. Based on some paltry evidence, the investigators nonetheless find the true perpetrator very quickly. (Here, it requires a bit of the stretch on your imagination, but play along, you will be richly rewarded) The story evolves beyond just the identity of the culprit, it also centered on the unfulfilled and unspoken passion between the two main characters, the husband of the young wife and how he dealt with the tragedy, and also Esposito's good friend. So what I liked so much about the story is how all these elements interplay and are richly woven together.
I can't say enough good things about the cinematography of the film too, it's shot in lush, richly hued tones which colors the film (literally) in a dramatic fashion, in line with the backdrop of the story development. I also enjoy the multiple ways in which the camera approaches its subjects, very creative and often unsettling ways, but it brings an arresting visual element to the film.
Anyway, I learned afterwards that the film won the Academy Award for best International Film of 2010. I'm not surprised, it deserved this accolade in spades. In 2010 I've had the pleasure of seeing many good films, but this one definitely will stay with me for some time to come.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Orlando, Fl
Hello from Orlando! I've been vegging in my hotel room all afternoon. Since I decided not to get a rental, and since a quick look outside my window offered a nice but somewhat forbidding view of the downtown area, I explored the world from bed, or otherwise known as internet browsing. I didn't feel like going to an amusement park all by myself (hopefully for obvious reasons) and I didn't feel like whiling time at the local mall.
So far I think my impressions of Orlando is, it's a pleasant touristy city. That's it. The fact that there are all these awesome amusement parks in the vicinity deters me more than attracts me as good place to train. It just seems like it would be hard to be taken seriously in a place like this. I wonder if the doctors here also put on a dinner and a show for the price of one hospital admission? In their defense though, this one hospital I passed by on the way to the hotel is drop dead gorgeous. Shiny metallic building gleaming and towering in the sun, admidst clusters of palm trees. Really the hospital out of TV shows. I think it's called Orlando Regional Medical Center or something like that, and I was a tad disappointed it wasn't where I'll be interviewing tomorrow.
Dinner tonight was a lonely affair, but at least it was on the program! I had shrimp scampi, the shrimp was super fresh. I have to say, I haven't had one bad seafood dish in Florida so far, in all the times I've been in Florida, mind you.
Alright, well tomorrow is interview day and I hope it won't be too painful. In the meantime, I need to kill some more time between now and bedtime.
Adios!
So far I think my impressions of Orlando is, it's a pleasant touristy city. That's it. The fact that there are all these awesome amusement parks in the vicinity deters me more than attracts me as good place to train. It just seems like it would be hard to be taken seriously in a place like this. I wonder if the doctors here also put on a dinner and a show for the price of one hospital admission? In their defense though, this one hospital I passed by on the way to the hotel is drop dead gorgeous. Shiny metallic building gleaming and towering in the sun, admidst clusters of palm trees. Really the hospital out of TV shows. I think it's called Orlando Regional Medical Center or something like that, and I was a tad disappointed it wasn't where I'll be interviewing tomorrow.
Dinner tonight was a lonely affair, but at least it was on the program! I had shrimp scampi, the shrimp was super fresh. I have to say, I haven't had one bad seafood dish in Florida so far, in all the times I've been in Florida, mind you.
Alright, well tomorrow is interview day and I hope it won't be too painful. In the meantime, I need to kill some more time between now and bedtime.
Adios!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Lazy Sunday
Today was a much needed day of R&R. However I did wake up bright and early at 7 AM, after an attack of the insomnia monster. What did I do to capture the glorious essence of all this available free time on my hands? I went straight to my computer and plunker down to browse aimlessly for the next several hours. So well, exercising at the gym didn't happen today. But it's just as well, since I'm developing the beginning of a cold and I hope it goes away before my air travel tomorrow.
Jason and I went to Chinatown and brought back a whole bunch of goodies. Honey bbq pork is on the menu tonight, as well as a bunch of pork fat laden baked pastries. I just realized that this coming week, I'll be gone for a good 5/6 of the time, so it's really not necessarily to stock up on groceries. Whenever I'm not here, Jason usually doesn't cook either.
I attempted to start a project I've long wanted to do. I had wanted to digitalize our old family pictures for posterity's sakes. I got as far as 8 pictures scanned and uploaded. However, as I haven't figured out a way to make them the format I want (jpeg) you can say the technical difficulties are kind of running the project to the ground. I don't foresee going very far with this until I figure out the issue.
To end this exciting post, we're going to watch the film "The Kids are Alright" Typical Jason, he refuses to tell me anything about it before we watch it. I guess I'll share more when I'm done with it!
Tootaloo!
Jason and I went to Chinatown and brought back a whole bunch of goodies. Honey bbq pork is on the menu tonight, as well as a bunch of pork fat laden baked pastries. I just realized that this coming week, I'll be gone for a good 5/6 of the time, so it's really not necessarily to stock up on groceries. Whenever I'm not here, Jason usually doesn't cook either.
I attempted to start a project I've long wanted to do. I had wanted to digitalize our old family pictures for posterity's sakes. I got as far as 8 pictures scanned and uploaded. However, as I haven't figured out a way to make them the format I want (jpeg) you can say the technical difficulties are kind of running the project to the ground. I don't foresee going very far with this until I figure out the issue.
To end this exciting post, we're going to watch the film "The Kids are Alright" Typical Jason, he refuses to tell me anything about it before we watch it. I guess I'll share more when I'm done with it!
Tootaloo!
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