Friday night I was a woman on a mission. I was determined to go clubbing and I wanted to have fun, let the party animal loose. I went with my friend to the Chelsea area, dressed as sexily as my Victorian sense of decorum would let me (I pushed my limit so to speak) and hit up the supposedly hottest club in town: crobar.
Let me just tell you – our first attempt to get in was downright pathetic. The line for entry snaked down the entire length of the avenue. Being fussy girls that we were, my friend and I didn’t feel like waiting in line for 2 hours. So instead, we just marched right up to the bouncers and whipped out our IDs. At one point, some Asian girl came out and got a friend to go in. We followed eagerly, rationalizing that all Asians look the same to others. But the bouncer was a crafty one and told us with a stern look that we needed to get our skinny butts in the line.
So dejectedly, my friend and I went to the club on the next block over. There, we were able to go right in, because they needed more people, apparently. The guy looked at our IDs and just motioned us in. Once in, we settled on one of the couches and had some drinks. Just then, a very buxom blondie, showing her lovelies to full advantage, sat down next to us and began talking. We started chatting with her too. She had the whole, long blond tousled hair, big blue beautiful eyes and pouty lips going. She was straight out of Hollywood. We were just chatting when she mentioned that she had to meet her friends at Crobar. My ears perked up. We then told her this wasn’t Crobar. Her eyes must have magnified 100X, and she let out a loud shriek and goes, you’re kidding me!!! My friend must be so pissed at me. Blah blah blah, she went on a tirade that I barely paid attention to, I was just thinking, Hey! She can maybe take us in. So I told her, “Well, I’ll show you where Crobar is, but can my friend and I go in with you?” She was still a bit too flabbergasted by the idea that she wasn’t actually in the right club. But she nodded and we took off.
Once in the streets, she began her directing (the art of looking hot). She told me and my friend to take off our grandmotherly cardigans and show some flesh. She’s like, you understand how it works, right honey? We nodded dumbly, uh…sure. Then, she told my friend to stand on her other side, so that us too decidedly less hot asian girls flank the roaring hot blondie. It was an interesting setup, but I can see why. It puts the attention on her and she knows she has what it takes.
When we got to the bouncers, she began affecting the dumb blond act. She acts confused and says to one of the bouncers, “What is this place? Is this Crobar?” even though the letters CROBAR is flashing in big bold beautiful neon letters right over the impossible to breach doors. She even had on this southern accent. The bouncers snickered, started eyeing her chest in a less than subtle manner and goes, You’re a long way from Texas, Sweetie. I can’t really do justice to the way she acted with mere description. But she definitely was amazing. In the next ten minutes, she bantered with the guys like today was her last day on earth. She screamed, she laughed, she told them they were hot, she bounced her boobs while she giggled, she did all this while carrying on a conversation with a female friend on her phone. The bouncers even got disoriented after awhile and seemed tired of her shenanigans. They began to stop flirting, laughing, bantering, and started telling her to leave. A few minutes more, and we probably would have been kicked to the curb. The whole time, my friend and I, needless to say, stood by, helplessly flatchested and unable to add to the sex appeal for the trio and collectively wow the bouncers off their smelly socks. Dubiously, one of the bouncers says, these girls with you? To her credit, she puts her arms around us and go, yeah, we’re all in together. She even gave us fake names, She’s like this is Claudia and veronica. I had to laugh. It also began to rain. So I put in my two cents worth. I started pouting as prettily as I know how to the bouncer and goes, we’re going to get drenched, let us in already!
Finally, finally, it may have been no more than five minutes but it felt like eternity, the bouncer, this formidable bald man, nodded imperceptibly and motions us to another guy guarding the door and goes, they’re okay, let them in. I was quite amazed. It seemed like getting into this place on a Friday night after barely five minutes and not being on the guest list is harder to scaling the forbidden palace. But blondie has done the seeming impossible.
We entered the hallowed place of Crobar and boy, there were definitely more adventures there. Suffice to say that I got a few more drinks and was sufficiently inebriated to fully and absolutely enjoy myself. Once inside, I danced my heart out, watched Blondie do a few more tricks to score drinks and other freebies and had a truly rocking time. I can see why it’s billed as one of the coolest places in town too. The place has a very sophisticated décor. Met some European guys, some Indian guys, some Asian guys. Most of them were unattractive, but some were okay. But all in all, to cut a long story short, my mission was accomplished. The end!
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