Em babbles on

Today I had the first of a series of exams. For some reason, it was a real struggle. I guess I know the reason - I didn't study hard enough, or was that it? Is it always as simple as that? Usually when I'm deeply immersed in an exam, the time just flies by. All that adrenaline and focused energy makes time disappear. This time around, I was excruciatingly aware of the passage of time. I was itching to get out of the exam, truth be told. I kept flipping to the end of the test and wondering how many more questions I have to answer. I think my ADHD has kicked in big time and perhaps to the detriment of my score. Score schnore, why do we care so much about grades anyway? Why do we let ourselves get all twisted up about some numbers? Of course, even as I say that, I wonder if my ego defense isn't kicking in (courtesy of studying Behavioral science and some Freudian theories) Am I in denial? Perhaps. I deny the importance of grades (but in my defense, I have been told that first two years' of grades don't matter that much unless you are a psychotic gunning for surgery or opthalm) There was even a question on the exam about a medical student who has a big biochem test in 7 days and keeps putting off studying to do these other more "urgent" tasks such as raking leaves, cleaning closets, etc. A lightbulb went off. Hey! That's me! I joyfully reconciled with my test question self, we exchanged some hellos and how are yous. And then I had to answer the question and move on. Sigh, as I answered the question, I imagined my test question self waving at me sadly from within the page, bidding me good luck and hoping I won't turn into her fully and completely, that self-destructive, procrastinating slave, pinned down by her ego defense of avoidance and escapism delusions.

I started watching a movie called Match Point, a film by Woody Allen. I love On Demand, though it's particularly tempting when test time rolls around, I don't know why. But in any case, I really enjoy it so far. Jonathan Rhys-Meyer, an actor I've noticed before, is and can be intense. He doesn't seem that comfortable in his own skin, ever, but then again, he plays characters that require that edginess. I think in this case, he was cast quite fittingly. And Scarlet Johansson, what can I say? She's a hot little number and I could see why every man and his grandfather swoons when her name comes up. I think if I had been born a blond little girl, I would want to look like her. I am absolutely in love with the white shirt-dress that she appears in, during the first scene we witness her in. I think I'll have to try to scope it out. I've taken my shopping habit to a whole new level, with very specific ideas of what I want now.

In the mean time, I still need a good idea for a costume. If nothing comes up, I'll just have to throw on some wild things from my closet. I think I can pull off the hippie look with my longer hair and bangs now, but I don't feel like donning a tie-dyed shirt and flashing the peace sign all night long. I could go gothic, but these days, I have the face of a tired gothic woman already, and I don't need to be even more gothic. I think I wouldn't mind going for a femme fatale look, ha.