the big M

I was just reading the New York Times Readers’ Opinion section on the issue of marriage and people’s increasing reluctance to become married.

Most people brought up valid points, not necessarily making it a moral issue. Some were practical and simply said that the reason is an economic one. With divorce being such a strong possibility for most marriages today, it’s economically and fiscally foolish to enter matrimony. One guy is 71; he has been paying alimony since he was 39 and will be paying until the day he dies. That is a depressing thought indeed. Of course there is also the argument that as women become more financially established and independent, they are reluctant to enter a state of union where they have to go home and continue to slave for their spouse. Ideally, the chores and housework would be split 50/50 but when was the last time life worked out “ideally”?

Others of course take the preachy road and railed on today’s people as being selfish, instant-gratification driven, not wanting to give or sacrifice too much for others. On this point, I have to reluctantly agree that it is indeed an obvious societal trend. Taglines from ads like “because you’re worth it!” and “you deserve a nice little break, you deserve to live in a 4 star hotel, have a snazzy car” etc etc…it’s all been brainwashed into us more or less hasn’t it? It’s basically the religion of capitalism and it replaces the religion of yesteryears.

But I digress. Ultimately, marriage is about compromise and to some extent, “settling.” I think we are programmed to think that we deserve the absolutely very best in life and it’s less focused on what we have to give in our relationships. Hopefully I can begin a slow progress towards being more centered on “others” and less centered on “self.” I’ve thought about that for a long time now and it’s been something that has called to me. Unfortunately, some lessons are learned a bit too late and for that, I will always have some regrets.