My existential guilt

On Sunday, I helped Mom plant tulips in the side garden to our house. In the process, we initiated what I shall term “The Massacre of the Bees” which shall forever live on in infamy in the history of Yen. Or perhaps we have now created a whole generation of jihadist bees who hate the Yens because of our merciless destruction of their homes due to our whim of making a ‘prettier” garden. Before my imagination gets too carried away, let me just report the facts as is. So we were pulling out mints and weeds to clear the way for the tulips and we discovered a hole where lots of bee traffic was going on. My mom surmised that a hive was perhaps in the hole and contemplated what we should do about it. Live and let live was not q uite considered as a viable option. Because we didn’t have any insecticides at hand, my mom decided to take a pot of boiling water and drench the hole with angry hot water. The poor bees! I have to admit that I felt great existential guilt as a human being at that point, with our willful destruction of innocent lives. Then some bees that were busy foraging try to come back into their homes but alas, they founded ruinous destruction everywhere. While they flew around, wringing their antenna in despair, my dad joined in to produce further carnage by taking an electric fly swatter and literally electrocuting to death the hapless surviving few. How it works is like this. It’s a like a modified tennis racket, except the strings are all wires, designed to deliver a swift jolt of current to the poor insect body that flies in contact with the racket surface. Upon contact, you hear a pop and a sizzle and then sometimes, a thin wreath of smoke arises from the charboiled body. It’s a very cruel instrument of death, from the perspective of a fly, or a bee, in this case. One by one, the fried bees fell wordlessly into the dirt below to join their brethen who were underground and perhaps already drowned. I don’t know why, but I felt guilty and sad that humans and bees cannot live harmoniously and that we had to do this to them.

Earlier before, I had a similar experience at the grocery store where the seafood people pulled out these lobsters from their tanks and the lobsters were just going buck wild, squirming, twisting, curling and uncurling its tails, spraying water everywhere. It made me sad to think that very soon these lobsters will be placed in huge pots and literally steamed to death. Perhaps its because I try to imagine how it would be if I were placed in a pot and steamed to death. No sir, I would not like that one bit. So therefore, my sympathy went out to the lobsters and I felt a flash of shame for myself as a member of such a predatory species. Still, it is fair to say that this guilt has not stopped me from enjoying my lobster dinner the night before that, at the Tower Oaks Lodge. Perhaps the sooner I accept the fact that as a human, as a carnivore, I will have to sacrifice living animals for my own sustenance, the better it would be for me. It’s not often that I have to confront the actual killing of an animal, but everyday, my very existence means the death of these poor things. Hard to reconcile sometimes. And I guess, it also makes our destruction of the beehive seem more inexcusable because we aren’t killing them out of necessity, only out of a desire for convenience and to avoid being stung.

The Prestige

I can't remember the last time I was so enraptured by a film. Perhaps since Kill Bill. The Prestige delivers on so many levels - acting, cinematography, story, and depth. It is a film about the dark descent into the obsesseive psychosis of human nature.

First, let's discuss the two main characters. Hugh Jackman lights up any scene he's in. It must be the sheer intensity and wattage of his performance, because I don't think it's just his pretty looks. Christian Bale, he's also magnetic and hard to not pay attention to. Something about him seems a bit shifty, a bit sly, a bit hard to read. I think it's a natural quality about him but for this role, he's completely the master of his domain. The two main guys play off their character contrasts convincingly, with conviction. The supporting cast, notably Scarlett and Michael, did a brilliant job. All the women were more than simple garnishes to the main course and filled out their roles nicely.

The other part was the constant suspense. This film being about a rivalry between two magicians turns it into a bit of a horror flick in the sense that you know something bad is going to happen to one or the other next but you don't know what it is. You keep waiting and waiting, dreading and unable to tear your eyes off the screen nonetheless. The genius of the film is that neither main character was singled out to be the "good" or the "bad" one, the roles are moralistically much more complex. It had more of a karmic resonance to the film, where you can see the causal links and chain of events.

The plot of the story was not too difficult to follow, but the editing of the film did not follow a straight linear chronological progression. The back and forth flashbacks were done just enough to illuminate certain critical elements of the story, while slyly and coyly holding back on the rest. Other critics have called the movie itself a magic act and I couldn't agree more. Nothing is better in a movie like this than the final stunning finale and this being a film by Christopher Nolan, one can expect no less.

cinderella em

today my mom recruited me to wax her pride and joy, the pristine but dusty hardwood floor in the dining room. the one reserved only for our honored guests. boy was it fun...I was on my hands and knees wiping vigorously for over an hour to acheive the brilliant shine that is so esteemed of waxed hardwood floors. i think i wiped so hard I nearly had a heart attack. I felt short of breath, i was getting all dizzy (it could be from the fumes coming off the durawax too). Anyway, after an hour, the fruit of my labor? the freakin floor LOOKS THE SAME!!!!!! If I squint hard enough, I might be able to see some difference, but that could also be because I wanted to see a difference so bad, I might have conjured it up in my imagination.
oh well...just hope my mom can appreciate that i still did it. even though the results were really quite underwhelming.

in other news, last night i took my folks and auntie out to Tower Oaks Lodge, a supposedly fabulous best kept secret of Rockville. It was not bad, I think my mom really enjoyed the food there, which in itself should say something since she is an extremely critical culinary artist. the highlights were, raw tuna diced into cubes and served in a martini glass, savory trout buried under a blanket of mushrooms and tomatoes, lobster dipped in buttery garlicy oil, and delicious maple creme brulee to finish off the meal. I got greedy and ordered a haagen daaz ice cream, not suspecting that they would serve almost a quarter pint. it was humongous. i had trouble finishing it off to be honest and staggered out filled to the brim. Overall a good dinner, if on the pricey side. I'm glad my family enjoyed it. We made a pact to begin trying out all the area restaurants in Bethesda or DC, I mean, why not? I hope to spend more QT with my folks before I'm headed off to med school in 11 months.

So now it's Saturday and I'm at the lab doing some crappy old thing for my experiment. This is like the 15th time I'm doing this procedure. If the results are good though, maybe my boss will be happy. I've been here for over 10 months and I haven't been able to come up with anything overly spectacular. It's high time something comes out of my research. It's quiet at the lab...it's only me myself and I.

Tonight I'm gonna go check out The Prestige. Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, what's not to love? I think i will enjoy mightily the sight of these two hotties go at each other with their magical prowess. Will be perfectly happy to provide a review of this movie tomorrow, of course. Stay tuned, my faithful bloggees.

Tennis Champ in the making!

last night i went to play tennis with church family friend. since it was already dark and cold around 7:30, I showed up in turtleneck, sweats and gloves. still i was really excited to play tennis again, after a hiatus.

My forehand swings are actually becoming more solid and consistent. The best shots are the ones that go deep and stay low. You can tell you've hit it well when the ball hits the racket at the sweet spot and there's a pleasant vibration. When the ball ricochets off the racket at a weird angle, the sound is different and the vibration is often jarring.

However, I'm still somewhat bad at backhand swings. I can't gauge the correct distance at which to hit the ball with a backhand. It helps sometimes when I try to remember how it feels to hit the ball with a forehand swing and what steps I take to get to that point, and then I try to apply it to my backhand. Otherwise when I worry too much about positioning, angle, the perpendicularity of the racket face to the ground, etc etc, all these random factors just distract me too much.

So far I've been able to keep up a steady back and forth volley less than 10 times on average. It's not good enough yet. The good news is - I got the uncle to agree to teach me tennis on a weekly basis until about Thanksgiving or so. Then perhaps we will break until Spring. The rate is very reasonable too. I think this is the start of a long and fruitful relationship between me and tennis =)

Wedding songs

I was chatting with a coworker about good/bad songs to play at a wedding. I was thinking of the songs I would like to play at my own wedding one day. This is an initial list.

1. Enya - Amarantine
2. Beatles - All my loving
3. Beatles - I want to hold your hands
4. Damien Rice - Blower's Daughter
5. Ozone - Dragostea Didn Tea
6. Mouse loves Rice
7. Rob Thomas - All that I am
8. Secret Garden - Nocturne
9. Miyasake movies soundtrack
10. Gladiator soundtrack
11. Colors of the Wind (from Pocahontas)

Blah blah more blah blah

Hello droogies, today I’d like to discuss a brief scare on the road while I was driving to work. As I was merrily driving down the road today, a white van piloted by a clueless driver tried to make a left turn from a road off to my right, in front of me. That would’ve been all well and good except that there were cars coming the opposite way and were not very keen on letting this intruder into their world of happy speeding. What does the white van do? It does a screeching halt midway through its left turn and then tries to backtrack, and ends up in MY lane, but directly facing me. Can you picture this scenario my friends? I was headed for a not so pleasant head on collision with this car, because it aborted its left turn and decides to turn left into my lane, directly in front of me. I was not a happy camper, but I did what any wise smart and self-protective driver would do. Nothing. I just kept going, going on faith that the van would wise up and steer to the shoulder, which it thankfully did. I did, okay fine, I did slow down, but I was not about to yield to the driver. Someone or another honked and for a brief nanosecond, it was all chaos and confusion. But the white van pulled very abruptly to the shoulder and I sped past it. That was that, but an interesting start to my day, to be sure.

In other news, I will hopefully take up tennis again and begin playing regularly, undeterred by cold weather and such trivial details as weather. For lack of players to play with, maybe I should get a tennis ball throwing machine. How sad is that? I need more people to play with!

I have to say, I spend the vast majority of my mental capacity scheming of new ways to entertain myself. Why have I become such a creature hellbent on having fun? Is that all I live for? Aah, I know. I just want to live an interesting and exciting life so that I have something to blog about. The lengths that I go to for my blog audience!

a particularly cruel technical difficulty

today i received an email from a medical school. it said, "interview confirmation" in the subject. When i clicked on it, the msg contained only one msg, "-1".

so being the eager beaver that i was, i called the school to ask what's up.

no one answer the phone, but a voice message recording addressed this "IT issue" and "sincerely apologizes" for raising the hopes of thousands of applicants throughout the nation but that the message is indeed meaningless. WTF???

terrible! that's just cruel, jerking us med school applicants up and down like this. =(

anyway, other than that, I am in a relatively good mood. I think I'll go work out today.

Most beautiful girl in the world

I have just been paid a most outrageous compliment. It's so outrageous that it's most likely not going to go to my head and puff it up like a hot air balloon. Still, it made me smile to have been told that. How lovely to be thought of as the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world, if even for an instant, if even for a moment.

Reading Scott M. Peck's The Road Less Travelled right now. Technically, it's a re-reading as I had previously read it in high school. Although, I must say that reading the same book almost a decade later does allow me to do a richer, fuller interpretation of what is being said, as I have a fuller reservoir of experiences to draw from. The basic premise of the book is that love must be coupled to discipline. That love is about what you can give and how you can grow spiritually with the person you love, inducing positive spiritual growth in each other. It's not just a 'feeling." It's not about instant gratification. Reading the book gave me greater insight into myself and how I had been acting the past several years. I've been truly awful in some respects. I hope to change, really, I do.

Tomorrow is a Halloween party thrown by my boss. It should be fun. I don't know yet if I should dress up. I won't mind, as long as I'm not the only dork going out on a limb here. I think though that I want to steer away from "asian' themes. No Chung Li look, no karate kid getup. Going as a sex kitten to a company soiree may not be such a good idea either. Hmm...what exactly should I go as? I'll try to think of something utterly ingenious and completely effortless. Maybe I'll go as Amelie Poulain, how about that? Good idea eh? I have the hair for it at this point, just need the clothes.

Now then...now what?

I think it's fair to say that I'm at a critical juncture in my life, on multiple levels. Career-wise, I have yet to know for certain where I'm headed in 11 months. Or I should say, I personally am quite certain, but it's perhaps also dependent on divine providence as well.

An overwhelming urge has come over me to take a trip somewhere. I have been talking about going to Mexico. Another top choice for me would be Prague. Regardless of where, I am certain it'll be somewhere.

Spiritually I feel I am at a new juncture too. I've been thinking of going into meditation for some time now, more or less inspired by Wendy's example I guess. But part of me still hesitates at the brink, not sure that I can make the full time commitment that such a practice entails. Truly though, I yearn for some peace of mind and perhaps meditation can bring it...

On top of that, there are several things I want to do. I want to begin volunteering part of my time at a nursing home. It's only fair that for someone to profess thinking about going into geriatrics, that I actually enjoy being around old people. I do and I don't, it's a mixed bag. So I think to be more sure, I should do something along those lines. Furthermore, I want to teach myself Spanish. I don't know if that's possible or realistic? Maybe I'll start a self-study now and then take an actual course in January at the local colleges. My ultimate goal is to be able to converse in Spanish and maybe volunteer abroad in Guatemala. Why there? Well...why not? Gotta start somewhere.

Artistically, well, I've been hoping to do more with photography and videography. I have video footage that I wanted to edit for some time now and I never got around to it. I like to think of myself as artistic, but here's the thing, regardless of whether or not I'm talented, I should just jump into it and do it. Do more, talk less. That way, I may actually get somewhere.

I just realized in re-reading my post that I mentioned "somewhere" like three times. It's probably my subconscious drive to indeed get from Point A to some Point B in space and time.

Another song I like

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh no please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.

If I fell in love with you



I like this song by the Beatles too. It's a very sweet melodic composition. However the lyrics are awfully vindictive aren't they? I know this is from a "boy's" point of view, but it could just as easily be from a girl's point of view as well.

Dork, your name is Emily

I went to the gym today and lo and behold, I forgot to bring my gym shorts! What does Miss Genius do? She resigns herself to jogging on the treadmill in her newly purchased Express jeans. (Well because I was stuck there, my dad had dropped me off) Good thing they were kind of stretchy, so they functioned more like tights. I felt like a real winner there though. I think others at the gym must have thought I was a super fob, who had no idea how to dress for a workout. Oh well.

As I was jogging today, I kept wondering about one thing. Why are people so scared of pain? Is that a stupid question? Isn't pain meant to be scary? If we weren't scared of pain, we'd all burn ourselves to death at 4 or 5, when we were little pyromaniacs right? But I guess I wonder, isn't it a better attitude to embrace the pain, whether ir's physical or emotional? If you face the pain, in essence, one of my worst nightmares (I'll speak only for myself here) then...what happens next? Will it make you a stronger person? You would have faced what you were fearing most all along...and perhaps you realize, it's not as bad as you had feared, after all.

the big M

I was just reading the New York Times Readers’ Opinion section on the issue of marriage and people’s increasing reluctance to become married.

Most people brought up valid points, not necessarily making it a moral issue. Some were practical and simply said that the reason is an economic one. With divorce being such a strong possibility for most marriages today, it’s economically and fiscally foolish to enter matrimony. One guy is 71; he has been paying alimony since he was 39 and will be paying until the day he dies. That is a depressing thought indeed. Of course there is also the argument that as women become more financially established and independent, they are reluctant to enter a state of union where they have to go home and continue to slave for their spouse. Ideally, the chores and housework would be split 50/50 but when was the last time life worked out “ideally”?

Others of course take the preachy road and railed on today’s people as being selfish, instant-gratification driven, not wanting to give or sacrifice too much for others. On this point, I have to reluctantly agree that it is indeed an obvious societal trend. Taglines from ads like “because you’re worth it!” and “you deserve a nice little break, you deserve to live in a 4 star hotel, have a snazzy car” etc etc…it’s all been brainwashed into us more or less hasn’t it? It’s basically the religion of capitalism and it replaces the religion of yesteryears.

But I digress. Ultimately, marriage is about compromise and to some extent, “settling.” I think we are programmed to think that we deserve the absolutely very best in life and it’s less focused on what we have to give in our relationships. Hopefully I can begin a slow progress towards being more centered on “others” and less centered on “self.” I’ve thought about that for a long time now and it’s been something that has called to me. Unfortunately, some lessons are learned a bit too late and for that, I will always have some regrets.

Yesterday

I went to Columbia Day in DC to attend luncheon and some lectures with fellow Columbians. What was amusing was that I didn't expect that the vast majority of the attendees would be silver-haired and stooped. However, I have met some nice people and enjoyed talking to them.

The first lecture dealt with Homer and the Odyssey. Good memories of having to struggle through the Odyssey came back to me. I really have no inclination to read epic poetry. Maybe when I'm 60, I will acquire a taste for it.

The second lecture was by a foreign correspondent and Columbia alumnus. Good speaker. Talked about politics, Iran, Iraq, current relevant events. It was good to gain his perspective on things, because to be honest, I haven't done too much in-depth thinking of my own regarding our state of the affairs.

Then the final lecture was on Robert Moses and how he shaped the landscape of New York City. So much I don't know, so much to learn still.

I met two alumni, both class of '61. One of them asked me if I were single because he has a 30 yr old son he'd like to introduce to me. The other man asked to have dinner with me. Haha...if so, he would be the oldest guy I've "dated", since he must be pushing 70. Just kidding, I like elderly people actually. They usually have lots to teach and offer, but not everyone is willing to listen.

They also played a 15 minute inspirational (read: cheesy) video extolling the praises of Columbia. I watched it with a mixture of bemusement and grudging appreciation. I really did enjoy my four years at Columbia immensely and I think it has shaped me to be who I am now, for better or for worse. All the propandistic stuff about COlumbia being such an awesome institute and blah blah blah, well, I guess I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I don't want to be an ingrate. The truth is, Columbia is a pretty amazing place and I have met some truly important people in my life there as well. Sigh and let's face it, I might not have a chance to be an "Ivy Leaguer" anymore. But we should stay positive, shouldn't we? Who knows, maybe I'll do awesome in med school and then get a kickass residency at Columbia or Harvard or anywhere else. One can dream.

Last night I watched Ashton Kutcher's film "A lot like Love" It's a silly piece of work, but Ashton's always good to watch, because he's just such a cutie. I think my aunt enjoyed the film. But it's one of those mildly entertaining but immediately forgettable flicks.

Another one!!

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Last night went to happy hour with coworkers. For some reason, I didn't learn my previous lesson about the Bethesda parking cop, because I went back to my car after having let my meter expire for over 40 minutes and somehow I thought I could get away with it. But no no no, silly rabbit emily, you just got served yet another lousy parking ticket and you totally deserve it too.

So happy hour was not bad. The nachos there are my favorites. I also gulped down a beer with some measure of relish. i don't mind hanging out with my coworkers, but most of them are married and tend to have a different mindset from me, so usually my common ground with them would be movies and mindless entertainment of that nature, because i have nothing whatsoever to add in terms of houses, cars, kids, careers, etc. But nevermind, I had fun just sitting there munching the nachos.

I signed up to go to Columbia Day in DC. Hopefully I'll have fun going to the lectures and meeting some fellow Columbians. I'm a bit apprehensive because I'll be traveling by meself, but I think it's time I push myself out of my comfort zone. I feel that it's in a way, divine wishes as well.

One of my favorite Beatles songs

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Thoughts are all jumbled up

Not much to report. Iris was back for the weekend. She has had a few interviews in the DC area for summer internships. My sister, always the go-getter, has like 10,000 interviews lined up. I am happy for her though, since I know she works hard and deserves to reap the rewards of that hard work.

Family friend Geoff in town too. We'll see their whole family in Thanksgiving, so we'll finally get to meet the Mr and Mrs. Kaos. My mother should be happy, she's always very delighted to entertain friends.

As for me, well....I guess a conversation last night with a friend put things in a more positive perspective. I could sit on my butt and whine and moan and groan. But things aren't going to change unless I do something about it, right? For some reason, it's taken me many many years to realize this simple truth. Perhaps I'm still in the process of realizing.

Today's the sixth anniversary of Grandma's passing. When I was really young, she took care of me for an extended period of time. Not surprisingly, I was a difficult child to take care of, and required superhuman patience. I was completely disinterested in food for one thing. I kept her plenty busy just with the arduos process of feeding me. But because of this too, we've always been closer, we shared a bond I think. I miss Grandma...

Taipei's all up in a doozy right now. Everyone who's against the president is out in the streets, dressed in red from head to toe to signify their collective anger. They remind me somewhat of the angry ohmnus (spelling?) in Nausicaa. When these giant beasts get mad, their eyes glow a fiery red. The sleazeball president Chen however is unlikely to be ousted from his cozy presidential spot. I guess the legislature protects his rights and throne too well.

What else? I think I've hitherto used films and movies as a way to escape from the harsh realities of life. Maybe it's time I throw away these crutches. Films should be entertaining, it can be a source of discussion and thought-provoking cafe chats, but it shouldn't be a means to disregard the actual real problems in my life and vicariously experience other people's sorrows and pains. Lord knows I have enough of my own problems at this current point.

I have to meet later with my boss. NOT looking forward to showing my unfortunate experiment results to her. I guess I better prepare for a round of castigation, Singapore style.

Ah....crap, I'm just writing for the sake of writing now. I listened to more Beatles on the way to work. I love their music, well, of course, there are certain other personal reasons for me to be so into the group now, but I'm very glad I got into this. It will be a faithful companion to me, I believe.

My weekend

This past weekend I have made a new love: the Beatles!

Saturday night I went to a concert by a tribute band to the Beatles. The band is called Rain. The four guys did a really great job recreating the Beatles experience. Even for someone such as me, impervious and ignorant of the Beatles' charms before, felt a great rush of excitement and general euphoria while at the concert. I have also been introduced to some truly great music. "A day in the life" and "here, there, everywhere" are two of my favorites, off the top of my head.

The atmosphere was very contagious. Women in their 40's and 50's were going wild and getting up and dancing at times. I was also surprised to see so many youngins' just as into the Beatles. This thirteen year old kid with tousled curls (a very cute kid actually) kept pumping his fists in the air and jumping up and down. He was clearly so excited, it was almost as great to watch him as it was to watch the show.

My friend, who invited me to the concert, needless to say was a hardcore Beatles fan. He introduced me to the Beatles and for that, I will always be grateful.

Last night I went to watch the Departed. It's such a great story and Martin Scorsese did an awesome job overall. However, the very last scene was a tad cheesy and surprising for such a veteran director as Scorsese. I was disappointed by that, but overall the performances of both Leonardo and Damon did not let me down. Leonardo played his character with very raw emotions, a bit more realistic perhaps than the Chinese original. However, I respect and admire the actor who played the Chinese version as well, the man's got depth. I hope to see more Leo works from now on. Jack Nicholson played his part with flair, although it seemed to me like he didn't treat his role that seriously. Maybe it's just that way when you reach a certain age, you don't treat anything that seriously anymore, because you've seen it all, done it all, and nothing is new under the sun. I though the brief sex scene between Leo and this psychiatrist was hot though, she has a good figure.

Asian Fusion

I went to see this film last night as part of the Asian Pacific American Film Festival. It was an over the top, often raunchy but refreshing Asian American film. A Chinese divorced journalist falls in love with a Hispanic American dentist. Their budding romance is complicated by a super dysfunctional Chinese family (the woman's), led by a 70 year old rambunctious and sometimes obnoxious matriarch. I thought the supporting cast brought their various strengths to the film, and performed admirably.

My favorite character was the main actress, because she had a wonderful way with facial expressions. Even though she plays a 49 year old woman, she looks at least 10 years younger. Her mother too was extraordinarily comical. For an old lady, she's quite feisty. Yes, there were some pretty ridiculous stereotypes that were played on, as this is a film based on cross cultural clashes, it is to be forgiven.

An entertaining film. I would give it an 8/10.

Why do people put things off?

Why do I have such a bad habit of putting things off? Today I accomplished in 1 hour what has taken me about 720 hours to bring myself to the point of doing.

In other words, I procrastinated for 700+ hours on what I could have finished in 1 hour. Granted, some measure of desperation finally drove me to confront my worst enemy but still, I can't help but marvel at how UNcarpe Diem I've been.

Bad bad Emily. When are you going to turn over a new leaf? I guess I have an awful lot of leaves to turn over. Oh well, I'll leave these sad ruminations to another day.

On the brighter note, I bought new shoes today. New stuff always inspire me to think I'm going to be a better person. Does that make sense? For instance, now that I have these brand spanking new running shoes, I'm going to go jogging everyday at 5 AM. Hey, the very thought is inspiring, isn't it? I need Rocky music. If I had that playing in the background, I'd be all pumped up and ready to roar. Haha, maybe it's more apt that I play Madonna's "Material Girl" instead.

Suddenly, we realize that we are mortals after all

Recently I've encountered some sad events in my life. Although not directly connected to me, I have known of these people for many years.

In September, a family friend passed away from multiple cancers. He had cancer of the lungs, stomach, colon and maybe lymph nodes as well. It was a vicious metastasizing cancer that spread and eventually took his life. My parents and I had driven down to Atlanta one weekend in August to visit him. I remember that visit very vividly. I remember the emotion on his face when he saw us go into his room, how touched he was that we drove some distance (what of it, such a small gesture really) and how my mother couldn't hold back her tears even as she was egging him on and telling him that she's fully confident that he will recover.

Just yesterday, a member of my Church passed away too. He had brain surgery two weeks ago to remove a tumor (benign or otherwise). Apparently however, he suffered a stroke during the surgery. After the surgery, he wasn't doing so well. On Sunday, he suffered another massive stroke and he was pronounced brain-dead. I think he was removed off life-support yesterday. I could be wrong, I don't have all the facts. The sad reality is, his was a sudden and perhaps crushing death to his family. He also lost a 16 year old son many years ago, maybe about 15 years ago. My symnpathy goes out to his family.

The English pastor of our Church was diagnosed with cancer too. He is going to undergo treatment and has taken a 3 month leave.

I heard another member of our Church, he always seemed like a very solemn and earnest man, but a good man. I heard he has lung cancer, and he already has one lung removed. Now the cancer has spread to his other lung. I could be wrong but I don't think he's a smoker.

These events do put things in perspective for me. However shitty I think my life is at times (and I know truth be told, I have it pretty good, I'm just a brat) I know that I am really very blessed. My homework for today, tomorrow and all the days of my life: how to achieve lasting contentment and appreciation for what I do have.

Hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability.

I have this strange medical condition that's been bothering me for some time. I hear my own pulsating heartbeat in my right ear. I used to think it was just earwax buildup or something. It becomes worse when I have a stuffed nose or allergies. I went to see a doctor who was really quite useless. He tells me that usually older people get this, and sometimes it could be caused by a stroke. Taking into account my age and general health, that seems rather unlikely. He tells me that it could also be some blocked sinuses in my nasal cavity and that surgery may be an option. I really don't know what triggered it though. Now, because autumn is fastly approaching and my mucus happy nose goes haywire in the chilly air, this pulsating sound has gotten even worse. I'm constantly hearing VROOM VROOM VROOM in my right ear, so bad that it's distracting me from everyday life. It's especially noticeable at night, when it's quiet and for me, it's simply thunderous.

The flip side is (and I'm always looking for amusement for myself) that my thundering heartbeat sound in my ear makes life a bit more dramatic too. Going to the bathroom at night. Before, it would just be any old mundane thing. Now, I have my personal soundtrack and scary music, "THUNLUMP THUNLUMP THUNLUMP" Sometimes when I tilt my head a certain way, it goes away. Other times, it gets louder. Well I guess I can be thankful that I'm just hearing beats, not voices. When I began hearing voices in my head and God forbid that I should start talking back to them, someone please do me a favor and put me to sleep.

Country Road

So I went to my first interview of the season. It was quite a trip actually. Going there, since I left after work (bad idea, stuck in back to back traffic for 2 hours) meant that I soon found myself on the country road in pitch blackness. Just to spice things up, God sprinkled in some gusts of wind and some rain. To keep my windshield from fogging up, I had to blast AC at the windshield so I was freezing to death. My favorite radio station, NPR, was becoming more and more staticky as I race towards the desolate, unmanned wild wild west virginia and I very sadly turned off the dial at last. I had my friend Wendy to keep me company on the phone for a good part of the trip, but at some point, my phone completely lost signal and then it was just pure silence. It was just me, on the road, under the pouring rain, in the dark and freezing cold. Is that a bleak enough picture for ya? The sum total of which resulted in me speeding at the unwise speed of 85-90 mph in my desperation to get to my cozy inn for the night. I even reflected ruefully how I missed being stuck in traffic, because, well, traffic = civilization.

Alright, let me get to the juice of the story. So the school was really nice. I liked the facilities, all brand new and sparkly, nice and clean. Any older buildings have been renovated. The classrooms are all up to par technologically, as far as my untrained eyes could tell. Two not so great things: lack of student housing and lack of a cafetaria. Does that mean if I go to this school, I would have to actually MAKE my own lunch? Such a profoundly disturbing thought.

The people at the school were cool. They were very very nice, prattling on and on about pleasant little tidbits, perhaps in a way that urban people, abrupt, brusque and impatient creatures that we tend to be, are not used to. But they all clearly meant well and seemed genuine. At the very least, the faculty and adminstrative people at the school don't seem to be so provincial that they haven't ever seen "one of those Oriental folks" before. That was the feeling I got while I was stuffing my face at Shoney's with their decidely underwhelming breakfast buffet. Two women sitting diagonally from me kept turning and very obviously I might add, looking at me repeatedly. Now I am not an unreasonable person. I'm decently attractive to warrnat perhaps the attention of heterosexual men, but I'm not so extraordinary in any way to warrant extended and repeated craning of necks just to have a "looksee".

Finally, not being able to stand it any longer, I just smiled at them a bit quizzically, but still politely. Then one of the women said, "you look like my sister in law." Pause. "She's from Thailand." Other woman nods vigorously, "Just like Dina." I thought about giving her the stony asian face as my acknowledgement. But I managed to choke up a "Really?" and then went back to munching my bacon, somewhat put out. I'm sure, I'm SURE, I can be a stand in double for her sister in law. Perhaps we were separated at birth? Perhaps we were all cloned somewhere in a small factory in Asia. Okay okay, maybe I'm being too hard on them. I have no right to barge into their country lives and then expect them not to be, well, country.

Anyhoo, the interview itself went alright. I had three ppl simultaneously. I was nervous at the beginning and was probably less than impressive in my stammered responses. But after awhile, I managed to relax and just be myself and I even found myself talking about Brokeback Mountain (which I immediately regretted, but that was the movie that came to mind and they asked me what film I liked) But when I explained the reasons for why I like the film, the interviewer seemed satisfied, or at least, he understood. In any case, he later on told me that I did a good job, which was reassuring.

The trip back was less eventful. The weather was nice, I was not freezing and the rolling hills at the side of the road provided a beautiful visage. I was impressed, despite all my inner urban snobbery, with the scenery and the natural beauty of the landscape.