Baby is approaching his 3rd week come tomorrow. So far, my emotions regarding being a new mother seems to swing towards the low end. I suspect it has a lot to do with the fact that my mother is virtually keeping me prisoner in my own apartment, citing all sorts of dire health consequences lest I dare venture out during my first month post-partum. That said, the larger issue of course, is that now we have this little human being in our hands, in our lives, in our complete responsibility. It is overwhelming at times to think about, even though I had tried to "mentally prepare" myself for this in the previous months.
Prior to July 23rd, my mind fixated constantly on that date. As if, once that day arrives, I will deliver this beautiful baby and then a little heart will appear that encapsulates me, my baby and my husband, and the caption would read, "And they lived happily ever after. The end!"
Of course what really happened was, July 20th, his birthday, became the portal through which Jason, me and baby were transported into a completely new reality, an alternate universe. We wake up as parents, an altogether unfamiliar and strange new role for us.
The first few days were truly honeymoon days, we were in the hospital, we had all this support, food was delivered, and baby was quiet and sleeping most of the time. We gazed and gazed at his little face, smitten, awed, disbelieving and so so thrilled. Ah but reality sets in soon enough.
The baby is beautiful, don't get me wrong. But of course, I would think that, right? He is adorable, he is precious, he is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Yet he has quite a formidable temper packaged into his 6 lb 9 oz body. When he doesn't get his needs met satisfactorily, he isn't shy about thundering his immense displeasure. And of course, there's the fact that now we have to worry about everything, since it's all so new to us. Is his poop normal? Why does he have little acne? Why does he grunt like a pig? My mother too, a veteran in her role of the worrying parent, does little to ease my worries.
It's not so much the everyday worries too. I lay in bed at night sometimes gripped in icy fear of "what ifs." None of the scenarios running in my head are technically impossible, it is their very probability that haunts me and keeps me up. What if I were to drop him one day? What if I went mad one day? What if he choked and I forget how to do CPR? (note to self, I should refresh myself on that) Sigh, all negative thoughts, I agree and surely does little to help me in any way be a better parent, but oh! if I could only help myself.
In short, perhaps having a child will ultimately reap many rewards and it may be too early at this point. But right now, as we head into our third week as parents, I can only say, the trials of parenthood outweigh the joys.
