Lean years ahead

Lately with typical narcissistic zeal, I realize two things. I’ve gained weight! I have color on my cheeks, overall, I’m looking healthy and well-fed, maybe too well-fed. But I console myself that I’m like a penguin, I’m trying to get fat during these months before med school (aka the lean years) and hopefully by the end of four years, I would not shrivel away to nothingness. I’m trying to stockpile on the blubber. Like most girls, the reason I can feel my expanding self is through squeezing into my skinny jeans. Hitherto, none of my jeans are “skinny” per se, but now, putting myself in these jeans in the morning has become very much a “sausage making” experience, if you can picture that imagery in your mind.

I heard a good sermon recently, courtesy of my monkey sister, who thought her sis could use a little financial wisdom 101. The main message by the speaker was, “saving” money means keeping money with you while “spending” money means removing money away from you. Very simple message right? Funny how people don’t really get it, yours truly included. In the past years that I’ve worked, I realize that I’ve exercised very poor money management on the whole and well, let’s just say, this message is very timely. Before I jump into this pit called higher education and bury myself alive with hundreds of thousands of med school tuition debt, it may help to have a little financial management know-how to weather the “lean” years ahead. At the very least, I should try not to take a shovel and too gleefully dig an ever bigger hole to rest in all eternity.

Mmm…got to know a nice group of ladies last night, most of them seem either my age or slightly older. Almost all are married, one’s expecting. We are going to study the Bible. Now, I have to admit that I don’t have the most religious temperament on the whole. From a positive standpoint, you can call me a free wheeling spirit, not given to being tied down by dogma too easily. From a negative standpoint, perhaps it’s also because I’m a lazy pug. But my intentions are good. I very earnestly hope that I will get something out of this by the end of three or four months. Like some of my friends right now, we are all, one way or another, embarking on some spiritual quests in search of greater truths.

Two anxious teenage mothers asked me today of my opinions regarding AP exams, high school grades, college competitiveness, etc. I could barely stifle a yawn. I realize how little I care about such things and because they seem so very unimportant to me, it was hard to fathom why these two mothers flutter around these issues like their lives depended on it. Then I chided myself for my lack of empathy. Obviously they care because they care abour their precious poodles. If poodle enters community college, well then, all hope and dreams are dashed. Okay, I’m being harsh. Anyway, my point is, I don’t know whether or not your undergrad colleges really have to be so great. I do think that wherever you go, you can choose to make the best of it..or not. So in short, much depends on the poodles’ own mettle. Same goes true for you and me, folks, in all stages of life.

2007 Chinese Lunar Year Performance

Friday night I was privileged to be invited to a show put on by the Chinese Broadcasting Arts Company held at Strathmore Music Center in Bethesda, MD. Such a distinguished acoustical hall in suburbia Maryland brings pride and joy to all Montgomery County denizens. Even to a musically challenged person such as myself, I was impressed by the glass or crystal panes that hung in the high ceilings of the music chamber to bounce or reflect sound to all parts of the dome. It paid off prettily when singers on the stage expanded their lungs and brought forth mellifluous notes to grace our eardrums. I was on the "upper tier" which is about four stories from the stage. My coworker next to me brought a handy pair of binoculars, that's how far away we were, the people were lego-sized to me. But enough gab on the surroundings, let's get to the meat, shall we?

My personal favorites of the show were: six dancing mermaids on the stage, in iridescent glittery blue green sequined costumes. They wriggled so delightfully up and down, giving a visceral impression of really swimming in water. I am astounded once again at the possibilities of a human body and its feats. I wish I could wriggle like that.

Another performance was given by this charming young man, singing about paper airplanes and going home. I don't really know what the heck he was singing about, but he had a nice singing voice and with the help of my friend's binoculars, I got to see his nicely chiseled features as well.

My third favorite performance was a skit by a husband and wife duo (on stage and in real life). They were "divorced" and both ended up going online to search for a second love. The skinny, effeminate husband called himself, "GORGEOUS MAN" and the middle-aged wife portrayed herself as having Gong Li's dentures and Zhang Ziyi's lips. Naturally, they ended up on a blind date together and more than a few sparks flew. It was very funny. The guy was also really effeminate.

My fourth favorite performance was by this woman who goes onstage and starts to yodel. It was incredible how high and clear her voice was and how fast she can yodel. She spoke a completely insane language of notes and pitch -- before hers, my vocal chords will surely develop an inferiority complex.

Through this entire performance, I felt a bit like Polly in "An Old-fashioned Girl", all excited to be dressed up and "going to the opera house." There was a tinge of glamour in the air but I realize it's only because such an outing is rare and far between for me and I always relish it when the opportunity arises. I also realize of course that if I were to make a habit out of going to shows or operas, say, on a monthly basis, it would soon lose all magic and excitement. Therefore, best leave it to the rare blessed occasion and allow such things to retain their eternal appeal.

The Great White Tower

Last night I finished watching this Japanese drama about two physicians. The ending was perfect. I cried. I was intensely moved by the entire story and more specifically, because the show attempted to define what a good physician entails. Overwrought and anxious as I am about my own future career, watching this provided me a timely reminder that, ultimately, my goal is simple: I want to become a good doctor, and that, is entirely, up to me.

I was also genuinely touched by the mutual respect and fullness of feeling these two main characters (both physicians) have for each other. It goes beyond friendship, it has rivalry, and jealousy and competition, but also, tremendous respect, concern and care. In Chinese, "zhai hu" comes to mind. They very much "zai hu" each other, because they are conscious that on some level, they are yin to each other's yang. They are engaged in a battle of will, a dedication to their art, and loyalty to their own creed, yet at the same time, they long desperately to reach out and touch the other person, obtain their approval and understanding, or somehow land on the same page. In the end, their differences outweighed their similarities, or perhaps, they shared a true fondness for each other that overcame their vastly divergent beliefs. They were bonded to the end.

Jaded and cynical and stone-walled as I am to mawkish sentimentality, this drama resonated a stirring within me and I felt compelled to respond, or at least, to turn it over and over in my brain until it hurt. Even as I watched the weakness of Zaigen Sensei for fame and glory, I confronted the exact same vein of pettiness within myself. I'd LIKE to think I can be like Satomi Sensei instead, a Japanese male version of Mother Theresa, selflessly devoted to the sick, the tired and the poor. Between what I'd LIKE to think of myself and what I truly am however could not exist a wider gulf.

So I am humbled by this drama and I am reminded of what my own destiny will be. Fame, fortune and glory? Maybe not in store for me. But perhaps, if I keep my focus on that which is most important, my destiny will be fabuleux indeed.

My MogHam moment

I stayed up til past one last night, reading Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. Since this is my personal pick for my book club, I am naturally more inclined to spend the time and effort to read this book thoroughly. So far, because this book is over 600 pages long, the members of my book club are struggling a bit, but I have confidence that we shall overcome.

Funny coincidence. I was in the lab on the weekend and ran into my ever so diligent coworker. Before I was heading off, I decided to introduce Maugham to him, because good things ought to be shared. As soon as I mentioned his name and showed him the book, he grinned and zipped out of his bag, The Razor's Edge, also another book by Maugham, and one of the first books I had read by him. We ended up, of course, having quite a lively discussion of Maugham.

So why do I like Of Human Bondage? I guess because I can relate quite intensely to Phillip, the introverted but voracious reader born with a club foot. I am quite aware of course that I carry with myself my own cross and symbolic club foot. In any case, Maugham is not only an astute observer of the human condition, he's also so so good at putting into words some of the more nebulous feelings and sentiments that lesser minds like myself have encountered, but nonetheless was unable to package into verbal maxim.

My personal nightmare, as I've mentioned before, is to have the sum of my life put together in a succinct paragraph or two, and that the paragraph happens to be mainly filled with negatives and that it also happens to be quite dead on the mark. That fate befalls perhaps 98% of all characters in Of Human Bondage.

Topics that were covered in OHB include passion, lust, pretentiousness, self-delusions, disillusionment, contempt for artsy-fartsy denizens, waste of life, true love, healthy love, unhealthy obsessions, self-anaylses, critical assessments of others, etc etc. The list goes on and on.

Interviewing up north

I’m back from my two day excursion to the North, stayed with my good friend from college, froze my butt off while treking from Queens to Manhattan, sat through an agonizing presentation given by a Director of Admissions, whom, as far as I could tell, was well practiced in the art of delivering bland and comfortable stock phrases, and an interview by this loopy professor who had a habit of giggling after every sentence or two. Did I make him nervous perhaps? Zeus! I was supposed to be the one peeing in my pants from overwrought anxiety. Instead, my nervousness soon turned to befuddlement, as I pondered over the possible sources of his obvious amusement. The conversation went like this.

Me: So yeah there was a bunch of literature that followed the CR that was termed scar literature. (I was expounding on what measely knowledge I still retained of East Asian studies way back when)

Prof: Interesting. I’ll definitely have to read about the CR in my spare time. [GIGGLE]

Me: nodding politely, striving for a semblance of enthusiasm. Definitely. I could recommend some books…

Prof: don’t know when I’ll get to it though. [Giggle.] Currently reading War and Peace. [GIGGLE] [GIGGLE GIGGLE]

Me: oh very ambitious project. Do you like it so far?

Prof: I’m on page 15. I’m going to give it to page 300 before I decide if I like it or not. Hehehehe.

Me: (having no clue how long W&P is, I ventured a quip nonetheless) By then, you’ll probably be like 1/3 of the way through.

In essence, I thought this professor was nice enough. I liked him though I just found him to be mildly strange, due to his incessant giggling, chortling, chuckling, whatever you want to call it. It was a laugh condition. But I also got the sense that he just did this as part of his job description, and he really couldn’t care two bits about the interviews. He asked me on a scale of 1 to 15, what my interest in primary care is. I said 12. I probably should have been a go-getter energizer bunny, slam my fist in my other hand and yell 15!!! But frankly, that’s not my style.

Ooh well, I hope I get a nice fat letter nonetheless! Cheers and happy Pig year all!

Non Sequitur

Yesterday just before I was going to traipse out of work, trying to beat the sunset in my dash for the comfort and safety that is home, I was waylaid by a well-meaning coworker. This co-worker, and I really like her, btw, has a tendency to speak very low when at work. (Catch her at happy hour and she becomes the MGM lion) Anyhow, she came up to me and she mumbled something really low. I heard "office of screaming girls, Valentine's Day, blah blah?" I looked at her uncertainly. She smiled affably, congenially, almost conspiratorily. I hesitated. She waited. I didn't really have the heart to burst her bubbles and ask her to repeat herself. It's a very deflating experience, to be asked to "come again?" Because I've had that experience many times and I hate it when people don't hear me the first time. Finally I ventured a very bland response. "Well, Valentine's Day is very overrated, as it is." I said, a bit uncertainly. She looked at me confusedly. Then she agreed, and proceeded to say, "Yes, but blah blah blah?" Essentially, she repeated her question, the question of course which I didn't get in the first place. This time, I heard it, I understood what she was trying to ask and finally, I smiled confidently, like someone who finally learned how to recite her alphabets in the correct order, I answered her question accordingly. So I probably was not altogether successful in pretending that I caught her question in time, but then I thought I was still a pretty smooth cat for my blase quip. As I am currently waiting on my RNA to finish their mass migration south, I have drawn a little picture to humour myself.

Today

An icy blanket has fallen over the DC metropolitan area. Federal government has decreed that employees are to come in two hours later. So after enjoying a nice cozy breakfast with family, I scooted upstairs to finish my morning toiletries. My mom fretted and my dad worried, because they didn't want me to drive on the icy roads. I poo-pooed their concerns, rather looking forward to my adventurous drive on the road. The ordinary has become tinged with a little excitement and I'm always attracted to excitement.

Driving out of my neighborhood proved the most harrowing. The roads have not been cleared, and it was caked with a thick layer of ice and snow. There were tracks laid down by previous intrepid explorers however and I very dutifully followed the already trodden path, going at the breakneck speed of 5 mph.

Later on the road, two things pissed me off. One was when people foolishly decide to walk on the cleared roads, regardless of whether or nor they were for pedestrians. I pictured a bowling ball knocking down pins, that's how it would look if my car were to skid out of control and slam into those g-damn idiots. I was mad that they not only put themselves in danger, but they also made me risk manslaugther. Needless to say, while passing by these people, I drop to almost a crawling pace, just so I won't have to go to jail for their idiocracy. I gave them the evil eye though and by God, I hope they felt that.

Second thing that pissed me off was when I was trying to inch my way ever so gingerly to another lane. A car behind me had the audacity to travel at, gasp!...30 mph. How dare he go so fast?? In short, he zoomed into the lane that I wanted to change into and forced me to sharply turn back into my own lane. Pissed off by this bad driver decorum, I immediately changed lanes and began tailgating him at the heart pounding speed of 35 mph. Then I had to laugh because I felt like we were in turtle world and though we were both in reality crawling, there was still road rage.

Anyway, today's the dreaded Vday. Hope everyone has a decent day and don't get too hung up over the Hallmark propaganda.

News and notes

Do you know what is the best smell in the world? Okay, the best smell in the world is the whiff of chicken soup brewing on the stove with black mushrooms and winter melons floating lazily on the surface as you walk in the door, cold and hungry. The second best smell in the world has to be men's cologne or aftershave on clean skin. I don't know why it just occurred to me, I don't even think I realized that I was missing it, but I really do like the smell of men's cologne on skin. mmmm...yummy....This is saying a lot from a girl who is notorious for her lack of olfactory abilities. I may not smell a lot but I do appreciate it when I get to. =)

In other news, I decided to postpone my trip up to New York due to inclement weather. I don't want to be singularly responsible for adding those extra gray hairs to my mom and dad's already increasing grayheadedness and I don't want to have the reason for my early and untimely demise to be, because I skidded off somewhere on I-95 due to the snow and sleet. I always fancied that if I have to go, I would go in a blaze of glory (and no, please don't read it as fire, dear God, I hate flames). Alright, enough tongue in cheek.

I read a great article by Maureen Dowd who delivered a scathing observation and indictment on today's flurry of "Chick Lit" that has taken over commercial bookstores. Ironic that it's a female who is so vengeful about it...or perhaps not so ironic after all. I find that women are often the harshest critics of other women sometimes. Not that I disagree with her, it seems that these days, we are overrun with fluffy books like "Good in bed" and other forgettable varieties, books that I confess I would pick up to read just for fun and completely forget the minute I put down the book.

Finally, I have to say that I felt an odd surge of pride to learn that a female has become the president of Harvard University. This is finally substantial proof that progress has been made and the gender gap is decreasing, if ever so infinitesimally smaller. I also felt at the same time an equal burst of shame for myself that I am not an ambitious road-runner/gunner/shoot for the top character. Will I ever stop being so lazy? How can I hope to my coveted blaze of glory by meandering lazily through the pasture of life? This lazy sheep has some serious self-recriminations to do.

The sound of emily's thoughts

For various reasons, I'm feelin' down in the dumps today. I guess I just need to find a way to pull myself out of this mudhole of self-pity and ennui. Oddly enough, listening to the Wierd Al's song, "You're pitiful" made me laugh and I felt better immediately. After all, that's what I was doing, feeling pitiful and there's no medicine better than self-deprecation.

I watched a Korean soap opera recently. The guy in there is really not the hottest sexiest most desirable thing I've ever seen, but for some reason, I was oddly moved by this guy. If someone like him walked into my life right now, I'd marry him in a heartbeat. There's just something about him that struck a chord in me. His name is Ahn Jae Wook. I would have too much fun with the name Wook, for one thing.

Lately a cold spell has fallen over the East Coast. It's man vs nature as we hunker down, grit our teeth and try to get through this bitter chill the best as we can. The cold weather has effectively dashed all my last motivations to do anything outside work however. As soon as I finish work, I make a mad dash for home. In the morning, I make a mad dash for work. I feel like a lemming.

Perhaps I should go swimming. I bought a new swimsuit, it's red and very sporty. I feel like an Olympic swimmer in my new swimsuit. I feel like I could be the Guardian. Anyone saw that movie? It's classic Hollywood cheese, with words like, "So that others may live" that play at the end of the movie to music that is grand and uplifting and sorrowful. It jerked two tears outt of me while I was strapped to my seat at 30,000 feet. Sniff...

My lame duck moment

My lame duck moment came today when I was sitting with my coworkers and happily munching on my crunchy bbq tortilla wrap. The sauce was so good and I must have been famished because I polished off my wrap in less than 5 minutes, which is an absolute stunning world record for this tortoise eater. Hm, okay, I am getting sidetracked by the food. Anyhoo, as I was happily munching away, I suddenly heard my mentor make some snide remarks about IRTAs (that's me) and very shortly after, all spotlight was turned on me as everyone turned to watch an appropriate reaction. Now was a moment of possible glory folks. I could have very coolly tossed my shiny hair back and calmly returned a witty, dead-on remark that defused the situation and made me appear possibly brilliant. What does this creature do? She looks confused and then she splutters and then she does the possible dorkiest thing ever, she protests hotly, "Nuh uhhhhhh. that's not true!" Aahh, smack on the head a dozen times over, how possibly more idiotic could I be? It was such a classic Scrubs moment where I could have come up with a great comeback and instead, I was only able to cough up something very juvenile and childish. If only my life was scripted and I have only the great, the smart, the deadly lines to deliver. Instead, looks like I got stuck with the village idiot role. =(

Taiwan II

Got back from Taiwan on Thursday night. Have been spending the past few days in shameless self-indulgence of the lazy cat variety. I slept when I wanted, ate when I wanted and watched TV til my eyes hurt. In Taiwan, I felt like I never got to rest properly and I think the fatigue took a heavy toll on me, even causing my appetite to decrease to the point where I wasn't able to enjoy the food in Taiwan with the relish it deserved! That, in itself, is the most tragic of all grievances.

I don't think I should bore you with the play by play of my trip. I should list some highlights however.

One day, I went to Taichong with my mom and her friend. After having the famous local dish known as "shan yu mian" (which isn't really all that, after all) we headed over to the world class Shinkong department store. While my mom had a mini reunion with her old classmates, I roamed around the mall through all of its nine floors. At the very top, I was rewarded with an exhibit of silk woven tapestries and paintings. I really wanted to take pictures, but there were guards around who made sure that didn't happen. Yet it was such joy to my eyes! I remember admiring one work, which is of a girl in a red and gold background, she herself was wearing red and was possibly a bride on her wedding day. The threads woven into that painting had an irisdescent hue and the entire work was absolutely mesmerizing - well because I like things that glow or are shiny. I am a raccoon at heart.

I got to spend time with my cousins. One of them is marrying possibly at the end of the year, possibly a little later, depending on how soon she can get her braces removed. This brings me to my new beef. If you flip open any random fashion magazine in Taiwan, you'd find girls dressed in all manners of getup, multiple layers is a neccessity, boots are a near necessity, or if not, at the very least, indecently high pumps. Most girls have either very long straight hair or they have very long hair, either way, it's usually very long. I wouldn't say every girl in Taipei dresses like she just strolled off the runway, but for the girls that do dress up, they really take "dressing up" to a whole new level. In the U.S., I consider myself to be slightly above casual and maybe a tad lower than trendy, basically a comfortable blend of trendy casual. In Taiwan, I realize I've been knocked soundly into the sub-casual region. I'm under-accessorized, overly reliant on solid shades and single layers and worst of all, I plodded all over TPE in my brown walking sneakers. Never have I felt the full brunt of being so UNCOOL.

The food in Taiwan is as usual slobber worthy. Everywhere you go, food is shoved into your face. There are the bakeries that show off rows and rows of gleaming pristine buns (play Heaven music now) which always beg to be devoured. There are the street markets with vendors hawking their wares, with people hunkered down near plastic tables, sloshing down soup and noodles. My mom is particularly attached to this particular type of fried flat bun with sesame on top. Inside its savory crust, you will find meat and vegies that work in some magical combination to produce an unforgettable and satisfying mouthful. It's only 10 NT to boot (30 cents US)

Then there's the frenetic pace of Taipei. Everyone in the city always seems to be rushing to somewhere. Nowhere can this be more evident than at the main Subway station of Taipei MRT. When you're trying to transfer from one train to another and you reach this main hall, suddenly before you, you would see a sea of black heads bobbing to and fro. No matter how often I've been to that main hall myself, I never cease to pause inwardly and look on the scene before me with an appropriate degree of awe. Maybe it's because I spent the better half of my life in the suburbs. Maybe it's also because I spent the better half of my life in a diverse country. So it's always a slight cultural shock to see so many of my own kind out there, because I'm so used to being outnumbered and not part of a vast majority. Of course, on a global scale, I know I have the distinct pleasure of being part of the race that is 1.3 billion strong =P

Okie dokes, I'm a little tired from my rambling. I think I will write of more amusing adventures when it suits me. Now excuse me while I guzzle some more Robitussin down...